She was 8 and if you were to personify life, she was it. She was life. Her parents’ life. Miriam, with her chubby cheeks, rosy lips, dimple chin was everything the poems described and more. She was the darling of everybody’s heart, at home, in the neighbourhood, in her school everywhere. She created an aura around her that no one could escape. Her sweetness charmed everybody. She was a beautiful dancer, she mesmerised everyone with the calm on her face and a grace in her moves. She did not understand life beyond dance, to her the world was the happiest place, she loved every human being she came across. She was good to everyone and everyone was good to her. She cherished every sound of music inside her mind, she loved the sound of the seas, chirping of the birds. Miriam loved nature, she played violin, and her music was as innocent as she was and as pure as her heart. She loved to play in the gardens with her folks and would oft be lost in her own beautiful ideal world, she carried the fragrance of the flowers with her, the sight of green grass, the smell of the dew, the independence of the flying birds and that’s how she thought the world to be an ideal heaven for her. She did not know back then that the flowers too are, fake. That behind the smiles there are tears too. She did not know that growing up is difficult and the crude reality, harsh. Miriam could never figure out why her parents were so protective for her. She always thought, shes a nature’s child and the world is good and bright. Everyones happy and there was nothing/ no one that’d harm her. She didn’t know there are boundaries and wars, murders and gore. Miriam was growing up, unable to reconcile with what was taught in the school, with what her parents told her, with what she saw. It was a different world. A world she had never thought of. Her dreams and fantasies began to crush. Those unspoken dreams in her young mind got buried deep inside. She buried them so deep that it became difficult to breathe .All this was a turmoil in her life, and when she settled with it, by the age of 13, she noticed something she had never experienced before, she was growing up, she remained the same, things around her changed. Her parents told her to sit in a certain manner, talk in a certain manner, dress up in a certain manner, walk in a certain manner. And yet another time she began to feel the restlessness within her. She was changing physically biologically socially psychologically and could not adjust with her changing self. She did not know what a woman is, all she knew was she hated herself as a girl. She wanted to get back to her child hood, she wanted things to be simple and less complex. And she started understanding her parents’ fears and suddenly the protectiveness for her started making sense to her. Years passed and Miriam was at ease with herself. She had accepted and adapted it all. She was at peace with herself. She had turned 15, and knew more life than her 8 year self. She started understanding it. Her mother had quite a many acquaintances. She’d take Miriam along and Miriam, as was her nature, enjoyed company of everyone. She was a merriment child. Always cheerful, always happy. It was a sunny Wednesday afternoon, Miriam had just got back from school after a hectic day. Her mother told her they had to visit her maternal grandparents’ place and they’d be leaving in an hour. Miriam had never been there, never met them but she was very excited to. It was a 12 hour train journey and filled Miriam’s heart with elation. When the train passed the cornfields Miriam felt something inside her. She felt she was weightless and gliding in the wind like a flower. Miriam was in high spirits and the train journey was a cherry on the cake. In a moment Miriam thought life could not be any better and nothing, absolutely nothing can harm her. She wanted to be in that mind state forever. She sat by the window for hours, watching the fields, the nature, observing people and getting inspired. And finally the wait was over, she had reached there. The name of the place was new to her, she had never heard about it even in her social studies class. As she reached the home, she noticed the strange old non-uniform architecture. She was in awe with the size of the house. It was massive. Miriam had always lived in a metropolitan city and they owned a small flat. There were many many rooms there and all new faces with a warmth in their smiles and glitter in the eyes. Miriam couldn’t be any happier. Hours passed and Miriam and her mother were separated. Miriam had no idea where her mother was, she was busy playing with a dozen kids and she had no idea who they were. Her mother knew Miriam was safe, playing in the house somewhere.
Suddenly Miriam came across a man, She hadn’t seen him on the entrance when they arrived. She was here for 5 hours now and this was the first time she saw this man. He came near Miriam and greeted her. Miriam with a pause, greeted him back. As she turned back to her new folks, the man called her back , “Miriam ! do you like watching the T.V. ?” he asked modulating his tone. “Yes, but I like playing more” she replied at once. “Come with me, I’ll show you my guitar and T.V. I got a new one and I bet you wouldn’t have seen anything like this before”, he said with a slight desperation in his voice. ‘O.k let’s go then’ Miriam agreed with a curious voice. He held Miriam’s hand and Miriam followed in silence. They reached a dim lighted room with minimal things and dusty floor, Miriam looked around, not feeling very well. Somewhere from that room emerged a flight of stairs to a place which looked darker and even more remote. Miriam felt something in her stomach, “Up there child, it’s great out there, no one to disturb, we can watch T.V for hours. Come”. Miriam, despite his sweet voice felt something wrong, she could smell it but followed him anyway. Up there, was an isolated room at the roof top and there was no one there. She could not hear the voices of children playing, which she could hear everywhere in that big house. This thought disturbed her.
He unlocked the room, and they entered. She looked around. There really was a guitar, Miriam regained herself, she went straight and lifted the guitar, ignorant of everything else around. Happily she turned back, asking “Do you know how to play this? I love the instrument” to which he, with a strange smile and glitter in his eyes, replied, “yes yes, I do. Come let me teach you”. He came near her, held her tight. Miriam looked at him, scared. He started touching her at inappropriate places and Miriam started resisting with tears in her eyes and pain in her heart. She felt ditched. At once she looked at the door, it was shut and locked. She pushed him, he came back. She tried escaping but failed terribly. Her pain grew, knowing no bounds while she felt helpless. She tried shouting but the man was way too much for her. She was a small girl, she didn’t even know what was happening, all she knew was, something very bad and gross is about to follow. She was exasperated and tired and helpless and was beginning to lose hope. She was thrown unwrapped in the blood. The devil inside him used her to satiate his hunger, she kept hoping her father, whom she loved with all her heart, all her life, would somehow get the signal and would come to rescue her, she kept looking at the shut door, praying the lord. No one turned up. She mourned in pain, nothing perturbed the man, her tears, her pain, her cry. Nothing moved him. He was a stone. The mask on him had unveiled. She felt she is like an animal, to which he is showing no mercy. She wanted to kill him. But little did she know, that everything inside her was dying. Her courage, her morals, her faith, her love, her respect, her self esteem, her self .He had left and she was still there on the floor, sans any cover. Her tears were dried. She did not move, did not blink, and as she wished, she did not want to breathe. She was still bleeding, She was still as a stone, patient; as a river, wet as a rain. The water seemed immovable, the stone, flowing. It was a pause more dynamic than motion. Everything had changed. Miriam’s family came back home. Miriam would stay alone, in isolation. She thought, she was damaged beyond repair. She wanted to shout, cry. She felt lifeless, soulless, she could not feel anything, anybody. Her virginity was lost and so was her trust, her faith, her passion for life, her real self. Nothing could cheer her up. She had a stigma on her soul. She was burdened with pain, She’d be ashamed to face her father and tell him the truth. She had changed. She didn’t dance anymore. She couldn’t hear the birds singing. She was dumb to every sound of the nature, to every music she cherished in her mind. She was getting academically poor and always lived with a guilt. She thought she had lost her purity, her chastity. She thought everything inside her was dirty.
When finally she decided to seek her parent’s help, people started talking about it. Some empathised, some said she lied. Some believed it was consensual and some told her, her life is done. The psychiatrists told her, it’s okay and happens with majority of the girls, this fact didn’t make her feel any better. She avoided human interactions. She thought she’d never be able to get back to her real true self, back to the soul brimming with passion, a soul with life.
Years passed and as they say, time heals all. Miriam, knew now, that only she could help herself and nobody else. She was clear in her head that the man attacked nothing but her mental strength and she had to gain it back. She understood now, she was not to be blamed for whatever happened. She had grown up now, understanding life, things around her and herself. She had seen people suffering and she realised what she has been living with for all these years was nothing. She knew now she had miles to go before she sleeps. The guilt , the pain all vanished once she decided to move on, to unexplored places, to a journey that’d set her life straight. She started afresh with a brave heart and a firm determination in her head. She wanted to be somebody, she wanted a place in the world.She wanted her own identity. She wanted to reduce the suffering, the world was experiencing. She knew this was one life, you either make a trace or you’re out of the race. Miriam had finally found her lost self. She had gained herself back.
This was one Miriam, there are others too out there. The ones who haven’t got themselves back yet. Who still compromise on their self respect, their self esteem. Who’re still carrying the burden of someone else’s crime on their shoulders. Who fall prey to random people. Who let others, who’re not even worth a penny, disturb them, their state of mind. Life is real. Life is equally fair and equally unfair to all. You cannot escape your share. Find yourself, for you may lose yourself forever. No-one, absolutely no one deserves that loss. Life is one , and clichéd it is, Life is precious. Some day you’d know why !
