Baba has left. My brain agrees it is probably for his good,
he is relieved of all the pain and suffering and that he was ready to go and
lead a beautiful content life but my heart refuses to acknowledge. I cannot
believe this is permanent. Is this what every book, every scholar, every clichéd
drama, dialogue, every person on earth talked about? How does one deal with
death? This pain is like the cumulative pain of every loss I’ve ever known. The
moment he was gone, stretches unbroken. I’m advised to deal with this like an
adult and take care of my younger sister who isn’t doing very well herself. I
can’t face her, I can’t. I just can’t. It’ll take me a while to get back to
life. To stay afloat. I cannot be the elder sister just yet. There’s nothing I
can say that can make her feel better or undo the loss. She took care of Baba selflessly,
taking care of his every need, just being there for him when he felt lonely,
sensing his tone when he couldn’t talk with an incredible patience and
tolerance and she’s all of 20 years old! She’d cancel catching up with friends
just to take care of baba. Apart from all the love, she has my highest respect
and has taught me the greatest life lessons. I bow to her for doing whatever
she did, there are no words. I’m forever indebted to her and incredibly proud
of the person she’s become. On the opposite spectrum, I failed. I don’t
remember the last time I talked to him, I don’t remember being there for him
when he needed the most. And now he’s gone, his stories are gone. I hope he
forgives me. I hope I can forgive myself. His absence will be the biggest void
in our lives which can never be filled. Is this what life is all about? One
calamity upon the next? Let me grieve my loss, I don’t need to be consoled.
There’s nothing that prepares one for loss, nothing at all, you have to face
the dragon head on. You have to drown, you have to fall. I hope we remember his
stories anew every day. I hope we gather the strength to pick ourselves again
and live a happy and fulfilled life just the way he wanted. I hope we have the
wisdom and humility to realize whatever we are, whoever we have become, is all
because of him, because he chose to make it happen. I hope we never let him die
in our memories. For me, the next biggest task is to crawl out of this mammoth abyss
and move on as they say. Zip up, pull up the sock and carry on. And finally,
maybe I can sleep.
Rest in Peace, Baba.
