"No, not Nikitha"

I’m in Bangalore since 59 days now. Apart from misspelling my name, this city makes sure I don’t feel home-sick with lame auto-drivers and cheesy loafers on the streets, your opinion might differ from mine, but do I sound like I care? No. I don’t hate this city, but I do not like it either, yet. This post isn't about the insignificant details of my life, or probably is. Whatever. I’ve always been bad with changes, I fail to adapt to them, when I came here, my physical psychological stability was so fucked that I failed every attempt to write, any shit, I tried each day, and failed, nothing is more frustrating. I had no clue what it takes to live alone in a completely new city, I did not understand what shit bus conductors or auto-drivers spoke, and felt like an alien, did stupid things, got shit scared, cried when alone and repeated the same. I did not acknowledge the change, it was beyond me. People are different here, I’m used to Delhi’s bling culture, I’m used to the noise, the rush, the speed, everything here looked calm, everybody moving at their own comfortable pace, there isn’t any madness here. In Delhi, there was a familiarity even in the unknown faces, I could hate them, relate to them, here I can’t. It’s too early to talk about people here, but I know it’s not the same.  I’ve always wanted to move out and see the world outside my cocoon, I always wanted a freedom, emotional, financial, physical. Coming to Bangalore wasn’t only about a lame job, it was a part of a bigger plan. Freedom. I wanted to let go of my inhibitions, my fears, I wanted to come out of my comfort zone and face the world head on, with no one to cushion my every fall. I wanted to fall and stand up on my own, I wanted an emotional independence. I dream of a life that I live on my own terms answering nobody, owing apologies to nobody, a life that I can live with my head held high, where I decide what is black or white, rational or irrational, a life which gives me the strength for emotional independence. I came here with all these thoughts in my head, but little did I know that freedom is a myth, you detach yourself from something and become a slave to another, it’s like Heisenberg’s uncertainty but fuck it. I’ve realised, freedom is farce, you set yourself free and after sometime you’re trapped in your own definitions, in your own boundaries. So yes, growing up is a bitch, I can’t really afford the daily bread and wine without thinking twice, I wish I could go back to my careless existence, fuck up things and still escape it.  I wish I had a soul to relate to, apart from these four walls that confine my thoughts, these walls that hear me in silence, these walls that’ve seen me in my odds. I wish somebody could unwrap these layers of pretence that I burden my soul everyday with. I wish. I wish growing up was easier. I have no clue where I’d be 2 months down the line, but I know one thing’s for sure, there’s no looking back, I have to find the truth that I seek within, I want to work towards attaining happiness that needs no reason, I want to find my self-worth and well, try paying my own bills! I know I'd fall a lot but I hope I rise every time. 

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Paralyzed self respect

If you've lived in India and come across girls who are in a relationship and cry all day or are living in a guilt, you'd know what I'm talking about. If you're an alien and your relationship status isn't 'complicated', you can happily skip.

Dear women,

I’m not writing this for you or anything, I do not care about your worries as much as I don’t care about Shahrukh Khan’s birthday, I write this because once I was you. As screwed, as fucked as you are right now and I knew it and I know that you know it too. Woman, when you’re in a relationship, stay rational. I know our very own bollywood shit fucks our heads and ruin our expectations and hype the love concept, but come to think of it, at the end of the day, the guy just wants to get laid, I don’t know about you, I’m yet to understand women, but guys are pretty simple in their ways. You know it too, don’t you? But, you’re too afraid to let him go because you think your life depends on him and if he leaves, your life will become an Uday Chopra movie (I promised myself not to use Uday Chopra analogy, but fuck it) so, let me tell you one thing very crisp and clear, this is all bullshit, nobody is worth it, lady. Whenever you’re in a relationship do not lose yourself, define your boundaries and give yourself some space, retain your individuality before anything else in the world, even if it’s your bf, husband, dad, mom, anyone. Nobody in this world is worth fucking your happiness for. No body. Respect yourself and the world will respect you, and if you think you are a loser, well you are one. In life, there will always be choices between what you know to be right, and what is easy. The right may seem tough when you face it, but in a few years you will realize that taking the right path has made your life easier. You deserve respect, live to find yourself, to find the truth that you seek within, earn your own bread and live a debt free life, do not let others tell you what is white or black, live a life owing no apology to anyone. Before anything else, you are one human and you deserve equal respect and guess what? You have to earn it and stand by it, at all times or else, woman, you’ll be raped. For me, self-respect and self-worth are the most important things in life, I know I won’t die for anyone, I don’t care to judge people and their lifestyles, I write to you, because you’re huge in numbers and you must understand that you need to embrace the reality and let go off people and things which do not deserve to be there, people who’ve been fucking your happiness and paralysing your self-respect. You need to know, what you do not want to do, you ought not do, do not bend your rules even for god. Stop caring about the society which is a slave to wagging tongues, believes in character assassination and boasts about false morality. Do the needful.

You’re Welcome.