'To-do' list

Summers going on and these are the things I on my 'to do' list :

- Learn Urdu.

- Study world history

- Learn violin

- Read the Gita, Bible and Qur'an.

- Watch a couple of movies including the Matrix, Shawshank redemption etc.

- Start preparing for my M.tech entrances.

- Study some rocket science for my training.

- Re-read The Fountainhead.

- Work on my vocabulary.

And these are the things I did, err wait, the things yet to be done :

- Learn Urdu- I wanted to do this right after I saw this movie, mughal-e-azam , I always liked the language for it's versatility and grace.

- Study world history- I realized I knew nothing about Hitler and french revolution and everything that happened outside India and I'm ashamed of myself for that :|

- Learn violin.

- Read the Gita, Bible and Qur'an - Need to understand how god, religion and morality are linked.( Any views ? )

- Watch a couple of movies including the Matrix, Shawshank redemption etc.

- Start preparing for my M.tech entrances- It's high time now and if I don't I'm rendered homeless.

- Study some rocket science for my training- To be precise Fast adder ,Can anyone help ?

- Re-read The Fountainhead - Need to measure my emotional growth.

:D Please note, I've started working on my vocab, Norman Lewis-Word power made easy.

I'm happy today, you know that happiness ? you feel good and positive, and you don't really have a good reason. I have, though.. just met my best friend from school(back, then these things never mattered), and now i really wish those days come back again, no one else could fill that space in my life.The best thing is I can talk to her about anything without being judged, without pretending to be someone else.Hmm, I was losing myself and today i regained myself :) I lost myself somewhere interacting with the world, getting to know them, adjusting myself, trying hard to be flexible .. filling myself into those spaces, Damn ! Ain't it good when u rediscover yourself ? And the weather, ahh I loved the breeze and the greens ( they don't rhyme :( ) As I write this, I'm listening to this song, wavin' flag, the fifa anthem, makes me all the more happy. It sotta induces optimism and goodwill .

p.s. I hate myself for not being able to spell 'weather' , I checked diction :(

My technically challenged self !

Just for records, I’m a technology student, bachelors in technology that is. It’s funny when people tell you to choose your domain, which eventually becomes our destiny, at an age when we’re still struggling to fetch marks ignorant of everything else around us and later we realize those were one of the most important decisions of our lives and that we can do nothing about it. In those significant years of my life all I knew was, I loved sciences, they had boundaries, this is physics and this is not, this is biology and this is chemistry, they told us to stay within the boundaries I never understood why. I opted for science. Again they wanted us to take biology and enter medicine, obviously that wasn’t the case with me or the second option was non-medical..(for me) engineering ( or rather it looked like) like others I opted for pursuing engineering , and after an year in college, I realized what pure and applied sciences were, and that they were separate domains altogether ! worse I was pursuing engineering, the application of what we’ve been studying all our lives and I sucked at it . The fact that I was technically challenged and was a student of technology came as a huge shock. I mean hell , theres my sister some odd 5 freaking years younger to me, can repair radios, dvd players, television, and every other electronic shit under the sun and I, can receive and send texts, use the channel and volume keys on the remote control of the T.V. and can use the email option on the internet. Shit! Didn’t I have extra 5 years to learn/know more than she does? I wouldn’t regret my decision ever. But I may probably become a bad engineer L I may not be able to resolve issues I’m supposed to, but I’m not giving up at any cost. I know someday, somewhere I’ll make a difference, a contribution, don’t know how, don’t know when.

Thought of sharing this engineering preamble, I found somewhere on the internet :

We the unwilling,led by the unknowing are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.We have done so much for so long, with so little, we will one day qualify to do anything with knowing nothing.Be proud to be Engineers !!

:D

Home alone

I was (I still am) home alone since forever now, probably 2 weeks , lost the record. All this while, I've screwed up things, made my home a dustbin, made decisions , failed awefully , felt 'sincere', pretended responsible , acted matured , felt week-grew stronger and yes I did feel void. I always thought I was emotionally cold, and such things may never bother me, but then it does :| As i write this talking to nobody, saturated with television, staring at walls and sick of internet , I wish they were here :|

Life

I'm sad for a reason I fear to introspect. My initial years of life were fairly futile, exploring this world was quite a process. I grew up only to learn, what I had interpreted was all wrong, and I felt stupid. I didn't know there was a world beyond that garden, I didn't know every smiling face had another side to it, I didn't know flowers too are artificial and butterflies too, die. I didn't know then, happiness is material. I entered my teenage, thought I’d grown up, I understand life and people like others, had some difficulty adjusting, With myself, the way I changed, physically, biologically, psychologically, emotionally, I thought now I understand things and didn't listen to people, who claimed they care. And I fell prey to a couple of people/situations. I learnt ignorance isn't bliss. T’ was then that I decided to grow up, t ’was then that I promised myself that I’ll take care of myself and bring my life back on track , take initiatives , I resolved to be strong , I promised myself that I’ll never allow anyone to take my advantage., no matter what. I was all geared up with such thoughts, but as someone said, we promise according to our hopes and act according to our fears. That happened, one more incident, and I’m back to level zero. How’d one feel when a soothing light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a freight train coming their way ? It was a pause more dynamic than motion, life had deformed me , and every passing day I kept changing, over the years I grew selfish, vice , turned into a hypocrite , became evil but so was the world , I was just being indifferent, trying to adjust. But one thing I learnt and know now that this is one life, you have a duty and probably the gift of living. You got to play your part and get back to the grave. You do not have the right to quit, escape or step back. Everyone is entangled with their own cob webs. I think I’ll manage to sail through, will you?

p.s. I know the ending is abrupt. Couldn't help it.

A Wednesday

Our anger takes us no where ; our minds does; our unitedness does. It's easy to be angry sitting in front of our television sets browsing news channels for yet another rounds of gory trials mindless killings and insensitive doings.A country with over a 1000 million population fell prey yet another time in the arms of death, cruelity, terrorism, injustice.We lost by a sheer group of thousand bigotic shitheads.. We cry together, sympathise , empathise together and move on. It's been an year since 26/11 ; for the survivors Life is still there ; the 26th of November, 2008.They could not move on like the rest of the masses did. We're in a habit of digesting the indigestible, the inedible.We've become our own rapists..for its easy to be angry on everyone, the government,the system, the democracy, corruption, terrorism but very difficult to feel unsafe and flush off what bothers us.Despite all this the least that is expected of a citizen is to vote, to voice an opinion, to raise a disagreement..and across the country except the metros more than 50% of people donot turn up for elections.Why are we supposed to talk of injustice then? Can we enjoy our rights without the duties? INDIA, is my country and I'll stand by it in the times of terror, in the times of grief. Will You?

-26 November 2009

Independence

My first memories of this word dates back to my 7th grade(or 8th) ,the history text, I didn't bother to know more.I was happy mugging up dates for our struggle for independence without giving it a thought.Since i have decided, not to play the blame game, t'was me and not the education system of our country which made my horizons soo narrow that i couldn't think outside the realms of that 200-paged book.I come to think of it today(not exactly), independence has a meaning beyond the texts. The word re-surfaced when i told my dad 5 years back to get a 5-star crunchy at 10 in the night, and blatantly he refused.. it was not a matter of life or death, although yet that was one of my earliest encounters with that feeling. And, i couldn't do anything about it. Nothing. Again, when my teen-aged self begged my parents to seek permission for a certain party and yet another time a 'no' without an explanation.Sheer incidents. Didn't matter much though, introduced me to this word 'independence' again. Driving gave me that physical independence i always craved for, I just didn't know in what form it'll come across .I wish i had lived in that pre independence era and get a first-hand experience (Second thoughts, no ..not at that cost :| ) Today, in introspection i realize i do not care much about physical independence. You grow up and the meaning of words change. As, i grew.. I wanted to be financially independent more than anything else in my life. Sometime back, i felt indebted to the entire world. Strangely, at 19 I was in a state of shock realising that i was still, after so many years of my existence, below the poverty line.Then, i looked around(no one seemed to care) and moved on. I had no preliminary degree in hand, with no scope/source to get a fake one. Subdued that thought, came back to my careless self. At present, i want emotional independence, no Tom Dick or Harry can control my moods, and induce other insignificant emotions. Nor, should they disturb my state of , what i call as 'shapeless ease' or stability. But alas, none of this happens , my li'l sister with a primitive brain can understand rocket science but Einstein too wouldn't have understood how the brain works, its hell difficult to control our thought processes.Of all the three kinds of independences I've encountered in my life, emotional independence is the most challenging one. A li'l time, a li'l evolution. And I'm sure I'll be able to control it. Till then I'm sorry for the people i'm highly dependent on, people i wouldn't want to name. But as my brother says, "And this too shall pass away.."

p.s-The incidents mentioned above can be pure fictitious (just wanted to convey the idea; I was never this materialistic :| )

-My friend helped me edit some parts, thank you S.

-I didn't bother to refer to the dictionary for spell checks. If i did make a mistake. Please ignore.