Fooled By Randomness

I was told to write about our very own Delhi, I thought rather than the bitchiness and the cliched negativity associated with it, I'd write about everything I like love about Delhi.I'd write for people and spread-the-positivity crap. When I completed the write-up, I was told it looked like wikipedia with emotions.I read it all again only to find,it did ! I wrote about some awesome places and monuments here and ended it with an emotional nostalgic note.It looked funny to me later. I've always abhorred the barbaric masses ,one should be taught to shut up and behave themselves.The buses and the roads are awesome, people in it and on it are tards .I've come across many people from different parts of our country, talk about, how screwed and vice, Delhi is.And I would always, almost get impulsively disgusted hearing things.I've always lived in denial.Now, I know it’s not Delhi, it's the people. We are not going global, we're all behaving like a 5 year-old ill mannered kid.  You don't believe me? Drive for an hour here, you'd know you're in Delhi when people are ready to shoot you on your face because you were *about to* hit their vehicle. When, more than Hindi, English or any other language, you'd get to hear, 'Saala BC'. When toddlers play the dude saying, 'you talking to me? talk to the hand.'(personal experience). You know you're in Delhi when you see children, more on streets begging, than in schools.Not to forget,they get you hitched to an absolutely random stranger and bless you to have kids. It's plain sad. .I know not what is up with people, what is so wrong? Why can't even the adults behave? Leave aside, the teens, they're a different class altogether. That reminds me, read this article, does everything sound cliched? Are you surprised? why/why not?The statistics ofcourse are exaggerated,but I’m surprised by the fact that I wasn’t surprised. Here in Delhi, kids learn the lesson of relationships before division and subtraction.I can’t write anything that is beyond me, anything that is pseudo-optimistic, I am pretty f***ed up, you know why?

The Delhi Metro : I have never seen anything made from the scratch and making a revolution in itself,an engineering marvel.A blessing to the delhiites. But, the commuters? What is up with them? You’re a Phd? Masters in Computer sciences? You know economics? Awesome..But you can’t behave yourself in the public, screw yourself. Seriously. I’ve realized, education is useless. We’ve built nations, we develop technologies. We innovate, we ideate but alas, we’ve grown from ape to ape-like masses. If you know what I mean.Coming back to the point.If you’re in the womens’ coach in the metro rail,you’re surrounded by wolly mammoth, quite literally, aunties who would even sparkle in the black hole,given their shimmery orange suits and gold make-up .Well, that’s their business ,they’d tell you to adjust thinking their body weight is as small as the time, Chandrachoor Singh stayed in the industry.And within 23 nanoseconds they’re on your lap, not to forget the difference between your body weights is well, infinity.Then you get embarrassed and your tissues start dying, you choose to get up, instead.As you stand,a kid, whose mother got married when she was 10 and gave birth at 11 and knows shit about parenting, comes to you and starts pulling your bag unless he manages to disbalance you and add to your frustration, the mother stands there smiling, thinking the damn kid is cuteness personified. That moment, my friends, you can’t do anything but smile at the kid in helplessness  wanting to slap him so tight as if you are Rakhi Sawant and the kid, her ex .Your home is another 20 stations to go, you decide to text your friend, and as you type, some 20 females around, start peeping at your phone’s display so desperately as if we are all guys and watching some,well forget it. It finally gets awkward and you keep the darn thing in your pocket. Simultaneously, the female standing just adjacent to you is checking you out from tip to toe and her expressions look like you’re wearing purple tee with green jeans and yellow footwears. The woman next to you wants to hold the handle very badly given the fact, if she falls it’ll take her centuries to rise again.So, she doesn’t understand the concept of personal space and is so close to you as if she’s the pda guy but hold on, 'ma’am why can’t you take a shower atleast before boarding? Is it too much to ask for?Or wear a deo? And since I see some space there, would you please shift, I’m very very straight and I donot like your body touching mine in whichever way.' You’re still struggling for a place to fit in, when suddenly a girl in her teens start shouting at her guy on the phone.No,she cannot do it in isolation.She has to do it in public.She's probably practicing to participate in the Jerry Springer show.Whatever,it is,pda is tolerable,public display of aggression,isn't. You wish, you could kill her vocal cords and tie her to the men’s loo of the Rajiv Chowk metro station till her nostrils cry for help.Nothing personal against her, though.In fact, dear readers, Metro is an ideal example of the Darwin’s Survival of the fittest, they’ll walk on the dead if needed. They’ll slaughter you for a space.That said,look what my friend says,here.So precise,ain't it? I feel light now, and yet another time, owing to my incompetence to end my posts, I'd leave it with a rough end.My apologies.
Cheers!

Happy Birthday !

He turned 50 today,  I haven’t seen him grow though, he was always like this, always the same. Although,he has become more quiet. Back in my childhood days, he used to run and laugh and dance and play,I wonder why he lost it.Probably because hes growing old. Sometime back I had an ill-health and whatever I ate made my stomach, ache. He, after detailed analysis and interpretation, got to know what should I eat in what proportions to avoid that pain. He  always device new techniques and rules that magically fit in and work. I never understand. Never  understood. He does not tell me what he did for me, he does not tell me he’s in pain and wants help, he does not tell me to shut up when I get on his nerves, he does not tell me to get lost when I shout irrationally resorting to my post-teenage tantrums. His life is boring but he’s at peace with himself. I, on the other hand, have everything that a human my age, has but I keep cribbing about things #DelhiMetro #travelling #internship #classes every li’l thing. He never complains. Come what may, I’ve never seen him complaining. His silence tells me I am wrong and need to change. Some weeks back, I was in college and I had forgotten to fill some online form as usual, without a thought I called him up, I didn’t ask him if he was busy or preoccupied with something else. I told him to fill it at that very moment at any cost ,it was the last date and hung up. In the next  7 minutes he called me up to tell me it’s done and that he has a very important lecture to deliver and is already late. He hung up. That reminded me, he had been preparing that lecture for a week now and is very important. Why couldn’t he shut me up? When some meal oddly goes short at home, he tells us he doesn’t want to eat it. He’s like a kid. He’s happy when everybody around is happy.If there was any god, I wouldn’t have respected him as much as I respect this man. He has taught me many many lessons of selflessness and unconditional love. Just when I thought these words are fiction, I saw him redefining them for me.I promise to beat you in chess in another 2 years time :D

Happy Birthday, dad J

True Story

Recently we were supposed to get registered for the summer internship,2011.We all reached college, fighting all the odds(well, in a metro), heat, sweat, women (yes), infinite duration journey, fussy auto wallas, street beggars who get you married to a random stranger on the road and bless you both to have kids.Ridiculous, I mean.We all reach the corporate resource centre(flashy but void) of our department with a sense of accomplishment, but before that, a li'l background on how-stuff-works.Getting registered for such a thing is as futile as watching Rakhi ka swayamwar for the heck of it.So, as we enter, theres a white colored lady and an orange man, both bitching about their mothers-in-law (yes,both).Heres how our conversation proceeded-

Us (all smiling and gay): Good Morn Ma'am. We wanted to get registered for the Summer internship.

White lady: (Turning red, dramatically unties her hair, starts looking like Durga,the goddess) WHAT THE PHHAAACCCKKK.HOW ARE YOU GUYS EVEN ALIVE? MANN

Us: Umm, water and oxygen and well, other million things. Why do you ask?

WL: FOOLS, Don't you know getting registered is the most important thing on earth, forget global warming, stop saving water; hypocrites do that,fuck non-renewable sources of energy.Corruption? Who cares? We're all corrupted.Baba Ramdev? Who is he? Government? Ahh.. why would we bother, it's a sucking monarchy.F*** y'll , YOU DID NOT GET REGISTERED YET? HOW DARE YOU?

Us: But Ma'am. We have a democracy.Err..As in, we didn't know about the registration and bla bla *regular excuses* (We're all thinking, is it that big a deal? )

WL (her blood boils and she's about to transform into spiderman, from the looks of it) OMG you guys are foolishness personified.GOD WHY, WHY ME

Us: Ma'am .. umm (we're all numb and confused and standing motionless looking dumb) Could you tell us the exact procedure to get registered? I mean c'mon.Big deal. Cut the crap and Shoot.

WL: You guys should commit suicide.Seriously.

Us: Any other option? 

WL: Pay 500 Rs, late registration fine . 

Us: Ahh, now you're talking.

After getting abused by a dozen other men, we get back, 

Us: Here's the receipt.

WL:( I see a 500 ka note in her eyes, she starts gleaming).MORONS, get a life next time.GO DIE NOW.

Us: The registration?

WL: It's Done.

Us: Don't you maintain records or make us sign somewhere?

WL: HELL NO, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, y'll are registered now.Waise bhi I'm a random stranger.Don't work here.Just filling the gap.

We were all unarmed and silently moved out.Thanking god (yes,god) that no one else was around and we are all breathing.

P.S : The Orange man was Ekta Kapoor's make-my-life-spicier b****.

Dear random relative

Dear stranger relative,

Please stop asking why I didn't turn up at your son's wedding.Before this day I didn't even know your name and that your son existed.My naive parents think you give a shit and make my life shittier resorting to emotional blackmails.Seriously, it's perfectly sweet if you don't ask that. Both of us here know you don't care any bit,why pretend? It's like Ramdev talking about black money and justice.I mean we've both grown up since the ooohhh-you've-growwnn-soo-big-gawwwdd era, get a life this is the fucking first time we've met.It's time to move on and let go of things which do not matter. I mean c'mon on top of that you expect nice gifts, now our diwali gift stock too, is exhausting and the wrapping papers are freaking creased ! Also, wrapping is an issue to give it the new and just out-of-the-shop look.And that look on your face when you see us *all* present, exactly reads, f*** you all, 4 plates down,Holy crap !I prefer eating in 4 plates myself,one for the main course,another for the desserts, one to just appretiate the beauty of the plate and another for salad.You wouldn’t want me there, would you? I saw your son next to the pink lady, he looked terrified and cherry on the cake you had parade of strangers lined up for the oohh-congratulations-I'm-your father's-uncle's-daugheter's-cousin.Pehchaana? thing. Poor guy.And the wedding invitation, **please grace the occasion by your presence and bless the couple as they become one and set forth for a new life.. blah blah** Honestly, didn't you get that poor guy up there at the gun point? Didn't he love his college gf, Champa ? You obviously threatened him of honor killing, didn't you? I mean look at him, its alll over his face, and the poor photographer tryin’ to make the pink bride, who can't even move her facial muscles,laugh.Anyway thats your thing.Pretend in a less obvious way, seriously. Let us both live in harmony and peace and keep the parents away from this business.Deal? Hope it makes sense.

Yours lovingly,

Random relative