Priye Sonamji,

Sadar Charan Sparsh. I need to thank you for your words of wisdom in the latest Koffee with Karan episode, I mean it was an eye opener. My entire life changed. How cool are you? Right from the zebra dress that you were wearing, oh I’m sorry, the classy so elegant, zebra dress to taking the liberty of comparing yourself with legends like Meena Kumari, Rekha. Wah! Usually I do not care, but then you went on saying people think loud acting is good acting, just because someone is ordinary looking does not mean they’re a good actor. So are you implying that you too, are a good actor? Or are you telling us you are very pretty? Well, maybe I’m blind. Or are you questioning the intelligence of viewers? Or are you saying everybody is a fucktard except you? What are you saying? Tell me what are you saying? Let me remind you, these are the stuff you said and that’s why I feel you epitomize coolness because of course you'd have forgotton, after all you're busy doing so many films! 

·         You know Karan people pity actors thinking oh she looks like this, maybe she’s a good actor

      Man, that is so insightful. This explains why every time, every fucking time I watch your movies thinking oh she looks like this, maybe, just maybe, she’s a good actor.

 ·         I hate to defend myself Karan, but you know why you take me in your films, I can say a dialogue right and I can speak hindi. You know what I mean?

That’s just so modest. Wish I could come down to your level, but alas, I’m good here.

 ·         When people make art films, why do they have to take like not nice looking people? Like why? You know what I mean? Like you know what I mean?

I fucking donno what you mean, I don’t wish to.

 ·         You know being called an icon in 20s is so much better than being called an icon after you die. You know what I mean?

How modest can you be? Fuck you are a fashion icon. Whatever you have done(or not) till date is just because of your talent, not because Anil Kapoor is your dad, ofcourse not.

 ·         You know Karan, television has only rubbish reality shows. Yeah, people have talent or whatever

Whatever. People have talent? Now you’re being so humble. Of course nobody has as much talent as you do. I mean, you’ve given hits like Saawariya. I just could not stop watching you. Swear.

 ·         Well, Prime Minister should dress better

I know! What if, the nation is going down the drains, what if he’s the prime minister of a country where 270 million citizens are below the poverty line, what if people die every year of extreme heat because they don’t have shelters or of extreme cold because they don’t have shit to wear or of hunger. But of course the prime minister should totally dress better, I mean he looks so tacky! No?

Were you listening to yourself? Did you fucking know you were on a national television? Wow, I have a new found respect for you! I mean you are so cool, and your totally fucked up accent is just so sexy and wow, you have everything sorted out in your head! No?

You were like a 13 year old kid consumed in over confidence. You not only can’t act, you cannot even utter a grammatically correct sentence, nobody cares what you wear. Yes, let it sink in, nobody cares shit that you wear. You know what I fucking mean? Respect people for what they’ve achieved and please grow up already.

And no I do not wish to know what you fucking meant.

Love,
Not-a-fan

Kids,

You might wanna lower down the Yo Yo honey Singh’s song playing in the background to be able to read, I insist. If you still stay at your parents’ home, I must say your parents are very generous. Kids, always remember the reason your parents tolerate your shit is the unconditional and often irrational love they have for you. In the real world, sadly being cool does not help. At least your kind of cool. I usually stay away from yáll, because honestly you are mad people. No offense. I was too. Maybe, still am. I don’t give a shit about how you live your life or how stupid you can be or how you make your life decisions. It’s just cute to see how you think you know it all. Nobody does. Anyway, I write to you to tell you some shit about life, loud and very clear, 

• The world won’t take your crap. Come down on the ground. Swallow the reality and live with it. The saddest part is, the world does not owe you anything.

• I know you can donate your kidneys to come across as cool amongst your peers, trust me it’s not just you but anyway life would no more be all about being cool. Atleast your kind of cool.

• When your parents ask you to shut the fuck up, please do so.

• Whenever you think A is correct, always go for B. There’s a good chance, you’re wrong. Fall, rise up again. Make mistakes, take bad decisions. In the end, it’ll all be worth it.

• Respect. No, mocking somebody isn’t fun. Respect people for who they are. You don’t need a reason to respect someone. Keep your judgement to yourself, the world, I’m pretty sure, does not need it.

• Do not fuck the language. Kewl is fucking not cool. Looser is not spelt like that. Try taking basic grammar lessons before you utter a word. And stop writing lyk dis. Please?

• Everybody is different. You too, are. People will wonder at your uniqueness, they might laugh at you, people laugh at anything different, don’t give a fuck, never ever take it to your head or your heart. The more you take people seriously, the more your life complicates. Do what you must. Move on.

• There are millions in the world who can give an arm and a leg to get what you have today. To be where you are today. The best education, great exposure to the world, you do not sleep hungry, you live in a very protected world. Acknowledge that. Br grateful. Stop crying for fuck’s sake.

• It isn’t your parents’ obligation or duty to provide you good food, education, shelter and love. They chose to. They could’ve thrown you out, I would’ve. But they didn’t, despite your shenanigans. Show some humility. Be humble. Always remember, education is the biggest gift anybody can give you. I’m still overwhelmed that my parents didn’t throw me out.

• Stop the blame game, if you want a better cleaner world to live in, clean the shit out. It’s that simple.

• The world does not and never will, revolve around you. Stop acting like a fool all the time.

• That cigarette between your fingers and the smoke airing you does not make you cool. You want to be cool? It’s in your head.

• ‘Mah’ is not ‘My’. Slap yourself if you think it is.

• The trouble is you think you have a lot of time to do shit that you want to do. Life, kids, is too short. You just wasted your 5 minutes reading this. See?

• It’s okay to use your brains sometimes. No, seriously.

• Stop giving a fuck. Things will fall in place.

• Try being normal, Its possible. Breathe.

That’s pretty much it. Too much gyaan? You’re welcome.