The PM's Independence day speech

Wake up fuckers. I know half of you will wake up only to realise the fucking parade happens on the 26 January. Every little soul who can’t even spell his goddamn name correctly accuses me of being reticent. You want me to talk? Hear me talk, now. Already, I cannot follow this fucking, too-good-to-be-true speech that my writers have fed me. I couldn’t care any less. As it is I’m addressing a nation that is totally and wholly fucked up. I've invested my entire life to go beyond the mediocrity, that you meaningless slimy shit-heads rot in, everyday and die a nameless death one day. What do you know about running a nation anyway? You guys rant all day on twitter because you had three meetings to attend in a day and crack lame jokes about everything on earth and keep retweeting that shit amongst yourselves and pretend having a life, you have epitomized shamelessness, you go on national television to take part in Ratan ka Rishta, you take part in Mtv Roadies and claim that your dream is to ‘become a roadie one day’, on that note, go make Vada Pao on your fake MBA degree and dance naked on national Television because that bald good-for-nothing Raghu Ram has told you so and display the epic case of paralysed self-respect of our country’s youth. You scribble your names on the goddamned walls of our national heritage sites ‘Bittu loves Pinky’ go get a room and cut my troubles already. I have to govern a nation where people are so horny, so much so that they can’t fucking control themselves and rape hundreds of women everyday, buy porn, download it for free online or just die. I’m tired of pretending, dudes. Kids keep committing suicide for the academic ‘pressure’ they face, what do you want me to do? Life isn’t a halua, teach your kids to take pressure, I can’t let people like Mayawati and Laloo run the nation, anymore.  You have sucked every ooze of happiness from my life and despite, being the laid back spineless losers, you guys cannot shut the fuck up. Our nation is so screwed that only an atomic bomb can fix it, I cannot begin to tell you how eagerly I’m waiting for December 23, 2012. Die you all, in hell.  Go ask your child what Independence day is and hear him say, when Ek Tha Tiger, the movie releases. Award him a tight slap, for the obvious. You talk about your nation and your pride and patriotism and outrage about the stupidest things on the face of this earth. Get a job already, contribute your bit for the betterment of the nation. Do that and then talk to me. You don’t even deserve to have a perspective and I need no validation from lesser minds like you, seriously. You have spent your life listening to your wife crib about the maid and how your parents do not leave her alone and how you have been such a dick-head and you have the spine to call me a loser. Wah! While I was still struggling with the damned 2G scam, CWG scam, coal scam, this scam that scam, these Anna and Ramdev are determined to kill me. They don’t just give up, I have seen those fuckers eat a Monaco biscuit in isolation but who listens to me? I even offered them my favourite porn but as they say, aapaat kaal, vipreet buddhi. So be it. And this Aamir Khan keeps sending me letters to do something about female foeticide, honour killings, food, water, and every other shit that has been corroding our roots since Pooja Bhatt lost her sanity. I can’t knock everybody’s doors and put some sense into their brains, I’m only human.  I’d give everybody who’s below the poverty line, a phone. And no, I don’t care how you’d get it recharged or how you’ll fetch the food or get a decent shelter or potable water and stuff. Beg or sell that thing off, I don’t care. Take it and shut up.FYI, my silence means I don’t give a shit. I know now why Soniaji declined the highest office of the country with an imperious wave of her hand. Damn! For the records, I went to the Oxford and excelled academically throughout and now, the economist in me is dying a slow painful death. You know, given my age, how difficult it is to run back and forth between governing the nation and asking Soniaji, what to do next. Sigh. Advaniji, remember you once called me a weak leader? And now you said, UPA2 is illegitimate, I was so heartbroken when the parliament forced you to take your words back, so sorry. This is the reason I talk so less, in this old age. You should shut up too. You angered Soniaji too and now I’ve employed Rakhi Sawant for her anger management classes. Coming back, you guys have a problem with my voice too, at least I don’t sound like Rani Mukherjee, my great grandfather’s broken radio sounded like her. Anyway, what do I do about the price rise? In the global economic recession, what do I do? What do I do? You don’t even have a fully developed brain to understand the concepts of economics, go and update your facebook statuses that you want to change the world and bring in reforms and logoff only to watch your porn. I know you won’t even bother listening to me, when half of the country will wake up with a hangover and clueless about why they’re home and not at office, I’d be here addressing the meaningless bigotic shitheads who kill and get killed in the name of religion and always have somebody else to put the blame on. Go tune in to watch Bhagat Singh, the movie and listen to Lata Mangeshkar and soulful rendition of A.R. Rahman’s Vande Matram and change your DPs to distorted tricolours and feel patriotic at homes while I, try making a little difference to the sea of shit and continue to rot in hell. Next time when you’re in trouble, don’t bother me. I’m done taking your shit. Spare me.

And yeah, Happy Independence day, losers. You didn’t earn it, you don’t know it.

Jai Hind!